The first instance that I learned that I was and will be having problems with relationships was when I straddled my way out for my orgasm. I thought that it was the way and has to be. Of course, being on the paying side, you needed to get your money’s worth. I don’t have to come first. Always I have to see to it that my bed partner was satisfied before I relieved myself of the ache that I wanted to release. It took quite a long time before I realized that they had disgust on their face after I please myself sitting on their poles. Explosive as I had delivered but none of them requested for another round. I had to dangle another wad of money to get them excited.
As far as I can remember, my childhood started with my relatives predicting that I would be on the third side of sexuality. I had no idea what they were talking about. But, I did remember that presumably at three years old I was already trying on my mother’s high heeled shoes. I did recall conversations with my father telling him then that I would want to wear undershirts. But when he asked me I want to wear briefs, I did not reply. I had no idea how to reply. What I had in my fragile mind at that time was that, men do not wear briefs and I associated it with panties. And being exposed to verbal assault of having the potential of becoming gay, regretfully, limited my rational aspect and built my defences in order to escape being labelled as such.
Honestly, most of the childhood memories that I could remember were all about foretelling about my future. So, I strategized my actions on the opposite site believing that their predictions would not come to a reality. It was always a challenged and I survived everything. And, I thought I did. I went into scouting, thinking that it would make me a man. I mingled with boys believing that it was the right way to negate all impressions about me. Fortunately, I did not have unhappy memories with what I did when I was very young. Not until one day, I had the misfortune of encountering a situation which made me realized that something was really wrong.
Someone like I would tell stories how they were abused when they were still at tender ages. Others had stories how they accidentally discovered that what they felt was not normal. And, there are others were exposed about certain taboos in life and it made a difference. I could not tell if I met the three conditions. From what I remember, I know I was and still am different. And the difference was that I felt normal then. How do I start my story?
Somebody told me that one of the most unforgettable experiences that a human being could not forget were those happened when the individual was three years old. I tried recollecting those moments when I was at that age. I wanted to laugh, cry, and smirk when I did recall those memories. I did have some memories lurking in my mind and I thought I could not remember those until I read the three year old psych.
I think my exposure with sexuality started when I was three. And thanks to that article and I had to recall and remembered those memories. I remembered that I tried wearing my mother’s shoes. I didn’t know I was feeling satisfaction why wearing those. All I knew at that time was that those shoes were the only thing visible at home. It was either that my mother was disorganized and my father was better at hiding personal things. But, I did remember that the shoes was really large for me but I loved the sound it made every time I took my steps walking around the house wearing it.