by:  Alden I. Bula

I always believed that we face life like warriors do.  Our experiences trained us on how we react for the future.  Our pasts and histories serves as basis for our strategies when we wage war on different aspects of our lives.  Our resources are our weapons when we charged to battles. Our families, friends, associates, and all the people that matter and relevant in our lives are our private armies and sometimes our enemies too.

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Each day is always a preparation for battle and a war; at the end of the day, we either win or lose.  We always look and cherish our victories and contemplate on our failures.  We think and ponder on how to be victorious always and contemplate on how to emerge as winners after series of setbacks and failures.

In this regard, I review 2015 as warrior and I concluded that I was a wounded warrior for the whole year.  The year started not so great with the death of my father.  My first confession is that until now, I am still grieving.  I still could not believe and accept that he is gone.  I’d say I was emotionally unprepared to deal with his death. I feel like issues between us were buried down also to his grieve.  After his death, more revelations; though not shocking but 20150116_165214somehow the words were painful and I asked why but answers will be elusive as finding pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  I could not count the frequency I stared up the clouds hoping to find some signs and symbols as answers.

My second confession was about denial and all throughout my life I was in this state either consciously and subconsciously.  The strength of denial was even further cemented when days after I buried my father I was diagnosed with diabetes.  I still have to accept that this medical condition will change my life.  Fortunately, days before 2015 ended, I made an initiative relevant to my health and I took it as a sign of one of the many things I will attend regarding my life and taking control of it again.

I was bitter the whole year.  I could not accept the reality that some of my friends abandoned me when my father died.  Despite the fact that 99.99 percent of them were on Facebook still quite a number of them did not bother to offer their condolences.  It made me question the nature of my friendship with them to the point that I even question also my personal feelings with them.  I was also bitter with some people close to me. I felt like that probably my grandmother was right that my mole on my left shoulder is indeed a sign that I will have many crosses to bear or I will be a cross to bear in some of them.

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This leads me to question if our life is indeed fated or we do have a choice.  If it is for the latter then my third confession would be I made so many bad choices that is why I am in this state right now.

A good friend of mine was right and that is my fourth confession. I was stubborn and full of pride that I refused to acknowledge some of the best words offered to me.  And my reason is that this is my life (not the way Bon Jovi sang of course) and I only hope that the pit I am right now is not so deep yet. I am not looking for someone to offer me a piece of rod to cling on to avoid sinking further in the quicksand.  I also do not believe that some kind miracle will happen.  Honestly, I am confused and still refusing the words.  As a matter of fact, I feel like the job I have right is just a desperation job just to spite people and protect the wounded pride.

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Hours before 2015 ended, contemplated on the significant achievements that I have the whole year. Unfortunately, I can only think of my quit smoking activities.  Then, I realized maybe I was thinking big and instead of taking it slowly.  Yes, my last confession is that, I am also overwhelmed with the huge losses I made over the years.  I let loose of the amazing opportunities. I squandered some resources thinking I can recover it easily.  It is easy for other people to enumerate significant achievement for me but all I can say that unless I restore the “FIRE” in me (thank you pards for this advice and you know who you are) I will regain my old self.

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I like to begin this not as a wounded warrior but as hero.  This confession is one way of recognizing that I have to get rid devious monkeys off my back.  I have to quit punishing myself and instead find ways to keep the fire burning.  I am saving myself now beginning today.


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